Suddenly, I feel at peace. It's as if some great turmoil within me, a hurricane which swept my insides from side to side has calmed and euphoric calm has settled. I can smile again. I don't feel the prickling of guilt, regret, doubt. I am swimming in a stream of life, knowing full well that the end will come. It must come. It is better to live and die than to live in a paralysis.
среда, 27 января 2010
I live in a lucid dream, where everything is perfectly normal. Everything, yes everything, is of the pink blushing shade of innocence. There is no talk of bodies and of desires. There is no talk of savage longing for contact of skin against unfamilair skin. But outside my enchanted world, right on the borders, the garish nightmares are waiting to spring upon it. Outside,there is a world and this world has no shame. No shame. It is as if all mirrors vanished and no one no longer has to confornt their own contorted grimacing hideous faces. There's greed and misery and more greed. I see stupidity lingering on the border. I see petty jealousy and I begin to wonder if one necessarily must live in such a reality. Why not remain in the world of perfect normalcy. Why strive to be 'adult' if such adulthood brings nothing but more misery heaped upon already burning, itching,sticky miseries?
пятница, 08 января 2010
Today is a holy day. What s an atheist supposed to feel? Shame? Boredom? Neither. There's way too many things to do to reflect on silly things like that.
суббота, 02 января 2010
I dont undrestand why all of a sudden my entire family decided to step on my feelings. They're just mercilessly beating it up for no good reason. And no one gives a damn. They might pretend to ask for my opinion, but their minds are already made up and I'm talking to the wall.
Fuck, if not for Conor, I'd just crumble up. At least his music makes it bearable to come out. Otherwise, I'd just stay in the comfort of my bed for the rest of my life. Fuck everyone.
Fuck, if not for Conor, I'd just crumble up. At least his music makes it bearable to come out. Otherwise, I'd just stay in the comfort of my bed for the rest of my life. Fuck everyone.
пятница, 01 января 2010
New Years was kind of... disappointing? Yeah I guess that's the right word. My own sister couldn't think of a gift for me and got me money. On top of that I had to go to the hospital in the morning. Oh so much fun. So I couldn't eat a lot and stuff. And I don't know, it just felt like of drab and I'm not feeling too happy now. Eh, whatever.
четверг, 31 декабря 2009
Damn, it's almost New Years. Time sure does fly but nothing much changes. Are we supposed to feel the age growing on us? I mean, yeah, the body changes, but does the mind change that much from year to year? Then again, thinking back ten years ago, I never thought I'd be who I am now... or rather where I am now. I wonder where I'll be in the next ten years. Hopefully there will be the next ten years, because I hate to admit it, but Mayans have never been wrong before.
понедельник, 28 декабря 2009
Two food poisonings in a week and the fridge malfunctioning. Must be fate that I won't get a satisfying meal in this year. Who knows, the next year might be more promising.
суббота, 19 декабря 2009
Stomach ache all day. Doesn't that suck? My grandpa is senile. Don't really care though. He didn't like me and I never particularly liked him. We don't exactly get to chose our relatives, right?
I bailed hanging out with Eric today since I still still feel guilty for going out with Kevin. Why does that bastard like me so much now? Three years ago I was an empty space for him and now all of a sudden he's willing to give up everything for me. Just doesn't make sense and Kevin is so nice.
You know what, I need this vacation. I need to get away and dip my feet in the ocean. It's going to be great.
I bailed hanging out with Eric today since I still still feel guilty for going out with Kevin. Why does that bastard like me so much now? Three years ago I was an empty space for him and now all of a sudden he's willing to give up everything for me. Just doesn't make sense and Kevin is so nice.
You know what, I need this vacation. I need to get away and dip my feet in the ocean. It's going to be great.
пятница, 18 декабря 2009
I don't want to say that I'm frustrated but I'm definitely unhappy. Another painting and again my parents don't care. I worked on it for more than a year and they just shrugged. "Okay, well, I guess we can hang it up." Well you know what, that's not fucking good enough. That can make anyone feel like fucking shit. You feel OBLIGATED to hang it up, not because you want to hang it up. If it's shit, then say it's shit. I'm not an idiot I can read body language as well as anyone else. You know what, I don't feel like making another painting for them. If this is the support I get, screw it. I won't show them one more damn thing. Screw it. If no one gives a crap, I don't give a damn either. Fuck this 'self expression' nonsense. Bottling up shit worked fine before. I don't need this vulnerability nonsense. It just hurts too much to be rejected like that.
четверг, 10 декабря 2009
It's time for the Chem final. Bring it.
But you can take back the snow.
But you can take back the snow.
среда, 09 декабря 2009
Today I got almost run over by a car. I was about to make another step, when a Jeep whooshed past me. If I hadn't hesitated, if I hadn't taken that moment longer to make another step, someone would have been scrapping off my brains from the front windshield of that Jeep. But I'm here and I'm writing this and I am filled both with fear and relief. A human life is so fragile. My life is so fragile. And so I must give thanks that today I was allowed for a chance to write my exams tomorrow.
среда, 25 ноября 2009
Something is changing and everything is staying the same. I'm sure I'm a different person than I used to be. I am in hot pursuit of happiness. Soon. Very soon I will hold it in my hands. Michael will be mine.
суббота, 21 ноября 2009
I was given my diary from when I was eleven and it made me smile. You know why? Because the theme of that diary and this one and the one before that are all the same. Apparently I really enjoy writing when I have a bad day or something pissed me off. And it all started before I even hit puberty. Man, I am one messed up kid. But I guess it's better if I express my dissatisfactions on paper rather than punching a hole through the wall, right? Yeah, I thought so. Anyway, it's nice to know where I come from. This history disturbs the quiet platitude of my soul but it's better to know than to be ignorant. Maybe then the future can be a brighter thing to look forward to.
Sometimes, I can't help but feel that there is some force guiding me through life. I don't mean god, but maybe some sort of detached intelligence, like fate. Who knows. But in the momenst of lonliness, sadness, alienation, a sense that someone or something is looking out for me, is comforting. It gives a reason to my losses and makes my wins more meaningful. It is more bearable to live a life believing that the next day can be good because somehow it has been predestined by my past actions to be good. As silly as it may be, I take comfort in it. It doesn't take away my guilt in anythin that goes wrong, but I can overstep my guilt and perhaps see a silver lining in what could otherwise be a tragedy. I can look an event and see an offshoots of what could have been, where I could have turned in a different direction and would have been a different me. And in those moments, my conviction that I am being guided to a greater purpose becomes all the more apparent. Why would I choose this path instead of another one? There has to be a reaosn why this was the outcome right? So why not believe that the outcomes lies in the enbetterment of the future?
понедельник, 16 ноября 2009
I don't know, but lately I've been living my life like floating on water. The flow is taking me somewhere, but I'm not sure where. I have my wants and aspirations but they hit the wall and disappear. Sometimes I wonder if fate has chosen this path for me no matter how hard I swim against the tide, it's of no use. Things happen when they're meant to happen. And it seemed hardly fair that once you get something you longed for for years, suddenly all longing vanishes. It's anything but fair. But what can I do? I can't force myself to feel one way or another. Just have to deal with the mess. And boy, what a mess it is.
воскресенье, 04 октября 2009
She lived her life like a sudoku
With secret hope that there existed
A trick that’d help her solve the game
And find some peace inside this mess.
But as of yet, it kept eluding
Her desperate, watchful,tireless eye
The nine kept biting at her ankle
The one it mocked her every time.
And yet, how was persistent
Her search for one and only Two.
A hope: with it would be a digit
A third or maybe even fourth.
In harmony the four will live on,
If only she could find the Two.
But as of yet, the square was empty.
Her pen, it hovered, so unsure.
She bit her lip. Was this the right one?
Only the end reveals it all.
Perhaps that Two was just a Seven.
The One was then her only friend.
Then came to her realization
It was a choice of now or never
She wrote it in and let it settle.
This one decision has been made.
She felt at peace, so calm and tranquil
But she forgot, she can’t erase.
She can’t go back and start again,
Because sudoku won’t forgive you
When you are playing with a pen.
With secret hope that there existed
A trick that’d help her solve the game
And find some peace inside this mess.
But as of yet, it kept eluding
Her desperate, watchful,tireless eye
The nine kept biting at her ankle
The one it mocked her every time.
And yet, how was persistent
Her search for one and only Two.
A hope: with it would be a digit
A third or maybe even fourth.
In harmony the four will live on,
If only she could find the Two.
But as of yet, the square was empty.
Her pen, it hovered, so unsure.
She bit her lip. Was this the right one?
Only the end reveals it all.
Perhaps that Two was just a Seven.
The One was then her only friend.
Then came to her realization
It was a choice of now or never
She wrote it in and let it settle.
This one decision has been made.
She felt at peace, so calm and tranquil
But she forgot, she can’t erase.
She can’t go back and start again,
Because sudoku won’t forgive you
When you are playing with a pen.
пятница, 02 октября 2009
I have seen the most beautiful man in my history class. Just the moment I laid my eyes on him for the very first time, my heart nearly exploded. He is just so... beautiful. Not handsome and not pretty. He's just beauitful. He has that masculine feminne duality that is so rare. It seems as though in him there is a perfect mix and it makes buterflies flutter in my stomach. If only I knew his name... Every time I see him I'm overcome with a senseless desire to kiss the sun tattoo on his wrist and to make him understand just how beautiful he is to me. I haven't felt a desire like for a long long time. Even with Eric it was only a ghost of longing that I feel now. But for all the supposed pain that longing is supposed to bring, I can't help but smile. Every time I think about him and his bright brown eyes, I just grin like an idiot to myself. It can't be helped. I can only hope that he will be mine soon.
воскресенье, 13 сентября 2009
Yesterday was the second time I watched Velvet Goldmine and it still grips me. When I watch it, it doesn't seem to be just a fictional biography of a man. It's a fairy tale. It's a fairy tale about the age of Glam Rock and it makes me wonder if such an age ever existed. It seems too fantastic. To them, only love and freedom mattered. A world away from what we see every day. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I wish I could just walk in through the screen and get stuck in that bizarree time of platform shoes and glitter. Lots and lots of glitter. Plus it's needless to say that this was the movie where I fell in love with Jonathan Rhys Meyer's acting. And now I'm hooked and I don't think it will end any time soon. I suppose it helps to fuel my devotion his talent in both acting and singing and the fact that the man has godly looks. What I wouldn't give to meet that man just once while he's still so young.
четверг, 03 сентября 2009
I'll be moving back into my dorm on September 18th. Second year. Christ, times runs so fast. Wish I could invent that time machine and go back in time. Being a kid was always great since there were a lot of things that I didn't understand. And now? Yeah, the world doesn't have its sugar coat anymore. The medicine is bitter.
пятница, 28 августа 2009
I hate my family. I hate every one of them. They don't know how to comfort when one fails. Not one of them and I hate them for that. Because they can't make you feel better about anything. If anything, they make me feel more like a loser. I never want to leave my room now, never show my face. Dont fucking damn it all. Let it all burn to the ground.