I think growing up is really hard. I mean, really grow up, instead of just going through the motions. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, ironing. Kids can do all that too, but it's different when you're an adult. I realy want to figure out what it is that allows one to go from one state to the next. I'm pretty sure that I'm still a kid, even though I like to tell other people that I'm an adult. It's strange. As a kid, you tend to really trust everybody because you don't know better. As a teenager, you learn about how bad some people can be. Does it mean then that to be an adult to learn to trust people despite the fact that you know that a lot of them are bad? Maybe to really grow up it's to let people into a personal inner world, welcome them despite the dangers of mistreatement and heart break. I wonder. I think I still have a lot of growing up to do

---

Today I visited my friend's grave. It made me sad to think that he never got to graduate. It made me think that life was still the right choice, even though often it's a painful one. I said goodbye to him and I said that I was moving on, but I promised him that I won't forget about him. He will stay a constant reminder to me, forever drunk and forever young. I'm glad I found him. I hope it will give me some sort of peace on the matter since I think about him and I think about how guilty I feel about the whole thing. But, I need to move on. It's time. It really is time to move on.
I'm an adult now, right?

---

I wish I could say that it had been an easy journey or that it had been rewarding, because sometimes I feel like it was something that I had to do rather than wanted to do. But it's done. They say that I should feel proud of my accomplishments and I do, in a way, though I try not to put too much weight on them. There is so much yet ahead that I need to do. Actually, it's really sad and scary because now, right now, life is about to really change. Now I need to start being an adult and it's... well, it's not easy. When you're so used to being a kid the task of acting like an adult is astronomically difficult. Seems almost impossible. It's sad that I need to say so many goodbyes. I've met some really great people. Some not so much. But they all stitch this web of my past, for better or worse, and I will miss them and I will try to stay in touch, but who am I kidding? Soon they'll fade. That's what goodbyes are. They're spells to make people fade away. I'm nervous. There's nothing to be afraid but I'm nervous about this future. The concentric circles of our lives keep turning, I think, but I don't know enouhg yet to prove that. Maybe it won't cycle through this time. Maybe something completely novel is waiting for me. I just need to reach out. I don't want to cry. Not any more. Adults don't cry, right? I want to brace myself, take hold of the reigns, and smile and laugh in the face of all the anxieties, as if to say "Look at me. You, look at me. I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of anything. I'm ready." And actually mean it. I want to be ready for anything, for any storm and worry and trouble. I'm tired of beng swept under dark moods ad visiting these pointless dark places. I want to feel the universe. I'm just a step closer now to something. I have to step over the threshold, grit my teeth and make a go of it. I think, the stars are waiting for me. It's time to accept my fate with my head held high. There are yet many many wonderful and wonderous things that I, yes I, will bring to the world. Are you ready, world? Cause I sure as hell am trying to be ready for you.

---

Okay, I haven't written here in a while, but I needed someplace wher eI could blow off some steam because I'm just about ready to explode. The world isn't fiar, but god damn it, why the fuck can't my own family protect me? They're being total dicks. My sister especially. FOr two years, if not more, she's been a total cunt to me, telling me that everything I do is wrong and that I'm an idiot. I have no idea what her deal is. Probably she's just a miserable human being and she wants everyone else to be equally as miserable aroud her and for that reason she is trying to put me down. Bt every time I try to defend myself, my parents just stop me and tell me to stop fighting. As if I start any of the arguments. It's fucking unbelievable the shit they let her get away with . Yes, I know, they are financially dependent on her, but what am I? A piece of shit? I'm not worth even to defend? It makes me sick to my stomach and I can't wait to get the fuck away from all of them. As far away as possible. If they don't see how they're hurting me, then who the fuck needs this poison in their life? I am sick of being miserable because I;m afraid of what they mihgt think or say about me. I want to be my own person. That's why screw them all and I will probably go to California and start my life there. They can all just suck it.

---

A shitstorm just royally hit my shores. I mean, can anything else go wrong? And for the records, that's a rhetorical question, so please, the universe, don't try and outdo yourself. I just have to sit tight and hope that at the end of all of this there will be some sort of payout. Otherwise? I don't know. It's not like I can wave a wand and magically make everything just. Or maybe it's just in our DNA to be absolutely miserable all the time and let everyone under the sun kick us in the balls. It's not that life sucks, but some parts of it really hit you hard when they don't go right. Everything and anything. It's like there is not one category in my present condition that doesn't have some sort of turmoil. Isn't it time for something good to happen? Like I don't know, have Connor Oberst show up naked on my doorstep? Or winning a lottery? These are just suggestions, but it would be really nice, you know, to have that ray of sunshine shine on me. I mean, I don't think that I'm the worst person in the world so maybe it's time to flip that coin and make it all better.

I await your reply, oh cruel fate.

---

Sometimes I wonder what's the whole point of being alive. It's not like anyone really needs me. Like anyone, I am easily replaced by a number of different things. When I wake in the morning, I have to remind myself that I have to do something with myself, otherwise I'll disappear into the oblivion. I'll become nothing. And maybe I would have committed suicide months ago if I did not think that there was nothing beyond his life. It might suck, but it's still better than not living at all.
If only I could stop always being a villain. I'm sick of people accusing me of things because of misunderstandings on their part. It's like I'm a broken spoke in this giant machinery and I keep rubbing everyone else the wrong way. I keep promising myself that I will find happiness soon, but I don't think that that's actually achievable. I think I was born to be sad all the time. I just... I guess I'm just tired.

---

It seems as though the year is up but I'm still standing in the same place as before. I just don't understand how it keeps turning out this way. The stupid maze leads me back to the begining and all that worrying and happiness and pain and misery, they all mean nothing because I always come back to the beginning. It doesn't matter how much I change, what color my hair became or the grades I got. In the end, I am still the same loser I was last year and the year before that and a year before that too. I wish they would be some stupid magic words that would let me escape, but it just doesn't happen for some reason.

@настроение: Victory is sweet even in the deep seats.

---

My family is retarded.

Why? Because every single one of them always thinks that he or she is ALWAYS fucking right. that means there are never any compromises for any arguments and since there are no real victors, we're all stuck as being losers.

What I hate most about it, is that eventually I'll turn into them and I dread that day when I'm a self fucking rightious monster. They're free to give you all sorts of advice, but you can't expect them to follow it. And all this bullshit about ' family has to stick together' . It's only true as long as no one in that family steps on each other's enourmous egos. I'm so sick of these storms in a tea kettle. They're not worth anything, but we just keep talking about them.

I hope they'll soon realize just how stupid they all are.

And I really hope I don't take that much from that side of the family.

@настроение: Retard strength

---

Like a gospel, we were fated.

I got a line, now I need to write a poem.

@настроение: Love is a fire.

---

I think no matter how crappy I feel I have to remind myself that someone out there has it worse than me. I still have a roof over my head, food, water, and a right to pursue happiness. That's all that matters even though happiness is very elusive.

@настроение: Scar tissue that I wish you saw.

---

I had a weird dream last night. Something about grocery shopping and watermellon and a date with one of mmy professors. I woke up wondering what the future still held for me. Some day things are bound to turn my way. There's nothing wrong with him and I need to stop thinking that something is. After all. an imperfection is just a variation and variations are mark of our induviduality. I must enjoy what I have and feel blessed. I was given a mind capable of questioning the world. Sure, that makes things more complicated, but I must be sure that eventually I will find that puzzle piece that will complete me.

@настроение: I love you too, my bunny rabbit.

---

What stories do I have to tell
that I've not told before today?
Until the future turns to past
they're speculations, just my guess.

And though uncertainty is passing,
an illness with a cure of time.
How painful are its constant symptoms,
how torturous the wait can be.

It seems that heart will drive on calmer
if it will know how much is left
and scent of flowers will be sweeter
and happiness will be encaged.
But all of that is stuff of nonsense
and woven with a thread of dream.
Come morning time, it will not stay here
and yet uncertainty remains.

@настроение: No, Lucifer.

---

Happy 4th of July. I wish more things have changed, but like a queen of hearts I keep running as fast as I can just to stay in the same place.

@настроение: Yup.

---

Coming back to the real world makes me realize how much I want to escape it. Look at it. Is there anything worth saving? Sometimes I wonder how in the world something bizarre came to be. It moves against all the rules of nature. How is this society surviving? And we keep it alive, always alive and I don't understand why. It's riddled with paradoxes and frankly, it's not very humane. And it makes my chest ache because there is no way out of it. Of ocurse I keep on longing for happiness, luck, and love. Oh but where are they? Surely there must be an incantation that will magically all of them appear. I don't understand why I have to be so sad all the time.

@настроение: I feel you.

---

I guess I wasn't meant to go see Infected Mushroom. And things keep piling up. I don't know. A little break would be nice, a little sunshine to make my heart warm up. Wouldn't it be nice? Something stupid and wonderful to happen to me? I'd like that. I'd like that a lot. But at least I have Conor Oberst to keep me company in the meantime.

@настроение: The light of destiny.

---

I feel like pouring my soul out again, but there's no one to listen to me. I mean, there are people, but it's late and I'm afraid of seeming weak. I worked so hard to build this outside wall that keeps my feelings inside that I can't imagine ever sitting down and talking to someone about the hopeless, sadness, nostalgia, longing I feel every once in a while. It's the longing and the nostalgia that are the worst because I know the reason for them, but I can't alleviate them. Hopeless is cured by some list making or just self discipline. Sadness? A good show can clear up any of that. But nostalgia. Christ, when it grips me I feel my breathe leave my lungs. Sometimes I want to go back so bad that it hurts and it brings tears to my eyes because it is impossible to go back in time. The gate closes once you leave paradise. And longing? Perhaps I'm getting to that age when I'm biologically inclined to seek a mate and yet my mind refuses to accept such a conclusion. And there you go, an eternal stuggle between nature and nature. I know I want something, but no one seems to fill the description. Today, I almost felt the urge for the first time to call Eric and just talk to him. Maybe it would have been healthier to talk to a person, but then I realized that I would be making a fool of myself. He has moved on, I hope and so must I. But move on to where? I hope that once I find that someone who woulld hold me when I come back from work and tell me that everything will be all right will make the longing and the nostalgia go away. I want to live without a past and only look to the future with that someone. Please find me. I don't know who you are yet, but I miss you already.

---

Isn't it just the worst when you realize the person you're crushing at doesn't even like your 'type'? And if you change, they're not even falling in love with you, just the 'type'. That sucks. But it's life. It just wasn't meant to be so it's best to accept it and move on. I'm in the process of that.

@настроение: The greatest view.

---

It's days like these that I wish I could pour out my soul into something because it aches so much. I don't really know why. Perhaps it is fear of the inevitable. Loneliness seems to follow my every step and no matter how fast I run, if I look over my shoulder, it'll be there. I hate how jealous I get them when I see happy people. Do they deserve to be happy? That never makes it into the equation because there is no one to decide what is fair and what is not. It's only chance. There's only luck. Even the worst of us have the same luck as the best of us and so it is inevitable that they find happiness. But that doesn't stop the gnawing inside of me. This terrible anxiety that I am letting something slip away. I look around and I wonder.. am I different? Am I somehow broken and unable to relate to other people? Why can't I let them touch me and console me and let the flesh win out never guard myself with rationality and suppositions of the future?
Am I just too complicated? But then, what should it matter. Out of the 6 billion people on earth shouldn't I be able to find someone equally as complex and messed up as I am? I want to pour out my soul into that someone so that there is not only a union of flesh but of one mind and of one heart. But I'm afraid I'm not quite that lucky and whom I meet, I do not meet their expectations. I want him to find me. Somehow. By some fucking miracle stumble upon me and never let me get away. But isn't it just a stupid fantasy, like something out of those fucking fairy tales? Who teaches kids about the 'happily ever after'. It's a bad ending. It's a bad lesson. I want it gone from my brain but it just won't leave. And so... here I am. Alone again. And I am just pouring out my soul anonymously into nothingness for no one. Isn't life grant.

@настроение: I, Eternal

---

In my head? Constant repetition of "Creep" and somehow my heart is heavy, though it has no reasons for it. If before I felt filled, brimming over with content or joy or sadness, now I feel like emptiness and heaviness of that emptiness. It felt today as though I had no voice and each time I spoke, I was not heard. And then there's this book that will not leave my brains alone. It had dug into them like a parasite and it gnaws on me. Why did they lose that precious piece of happiness when they already had it? I mean, isn't the whole point of our lives to find happiness? I don't know. Sometimes I wish my life had an author, then every 'plot twist' would make more sense. What I wouldn't give for an assurance of a happy ending.

@настроение: I am not seen. I am not heard. Sometimes I wonder if I still exist.

---

And the content feeling is gone. Oh well, you know, that's life. Can't always be happy. Doesn't really matter now as long as the tomorrow will be better than the today. I'll find my little piece of happiness. Of that I'm sure.

@настроение: Sugar is not sand.