I am sad. Very sad, actually. There is a dull pain in my chance and no matter how much a claw at it, it won't go away. And if I could cry. Shit I'm crying right now. It's all so confusing and unfair. Why would people do such monstrous things.. to themselves? Why would Ben smoke pot? Why? It makes no sense to me. None what so ever. Here I look at my own body, how youth radiates off of curves of my flash and I wonder why Wi would ever want to hurt it. It and I are supposed to have a happy life, so then why would ben want to trade this youth for the sake of moments of pleasure? I don't get it and it makes me sad. I feel like I let a freind down and I severed the lines. I can't talk to him. I won't talk to him. There is error in his way, as far as I see it.. but then, I'm not a saint myself
Oh I promised myself I would never do this again, but I am. I am lieing about my gender again, cover my tracks with more incredible lies. It's all so painful. I don't want to deceive honest good people. I don't want to turn into a monster, and yet, here I am hiding my true face behind a mask of someone else. Forgive me, Miki and Jade and James. Forgive me for being so corrupt and evil. I would have felt no remorse had I not seen the pain that could be in your hearts if I told you the truth. It's not fun anymore, not when fucking Angel with Gabi showed me what it was like to be on the receiving end of that stick. It's no fun to be the beaten, to the be the angry and the caught. I'm sorry that I can't be different, but I wish I could be. I wish I could stop Ben from smoking pot, Olya from drinking, Leslie from attempting suicide, and to ease April's pain. I wish I could be their superhero, but instead I am the villain. I wallow in my own self pity and wither away into sarcophagus of indifference. I'm sorry Miki. I really am.... but will I ever have the courage to tell you the truth?
And for that I am sad.
Oh I promised myself I would never do this again, but I am. I am lieing about my gender again, cover my tracks with more incredible lies. It's all so painful. I don't want to deceive honest good people. I don't want to turn into a monster, and yet, here I am hiding my true face behind a mask of someone else. Forgive me, Miki and Jade and James. Forgive me for being so corrupt and evil. I would have felt no remorse had I not seen the pain that could be in your hearts if I told you the truth. It's not fun anymore, not when fucking Angel with Gabi showed me what it was like to be on the receiving end of that stick. It's no fun to be the beaten, to the be the angry and the caught. I'm sorry that I can't be different, but I wish I could be. I wish I could stop Ben from smoking pot, Olya from drinking, Leslie from attempting suicide, and to ease April's pain. I wish I could be their superhero, but instead I am the villain. I wallow in my own self pity and wither away into sarcophagus of indifference. I'm sorry Miki. I really am.... but will I ever have the courage to tell you the truth?
And for that I am sad.