I still remember a time when I had a certain insight. I remember that I once believed that my existence was important to the people and that I was that immense turtle holding on its back the elephnats and horses, and the earth itself. I would call it, for practical reasons, my age of innocence. It's hard. I must admit it's hard to finally realize that I am no better than an ant and if by sudden event I would cease to exist... life goes on. Even my friends, in whom I lost faith over the years, and even my family, who became humans rather than gods in my eyes, would move on and step over my cold dead body. Where-as before I felt sad at the notion of being forgotten, I feel that no more. I doubt I feel anything about it because I came to understand that being made of stone is better than of flesh and bone. feelings bring nother but torturous burning sensetation of jealosy for other people. But I still hate rejection and it sparks the worst in me.
This year taught me that I was never invicible. The world doesn't lei at my feet, doesn't wimper, doesn't beg me for forgiveness. I am the dog and it is the master. I will never get everything that I want and would have to cut my appetite in half because I would only get a quarter of what I believe would be enough to satisfy my hunger. It's a depression thought. I will never make anything of myself. I will be an average Joe, destined to live an average life and wake up in the middle of the night with someone in my bed with whom I tired my life in one fateful afternoon and wonder if I made the right choice. I'd have 2.5 kids and two cars per household and I would earn sixy thousand dollars a year and live in a suburban little house with a back yard and semi friendly neighbors. There would be no fireworks. No grand excitement that stifles my breaths. I will live and die in the same rhythm of an average existence and no one....yes, no one would be able to change that. Sad? Perhaps, but at least it's better to face the truth rather than aimlessly wonder in the dark.
Auf Wiedersehen, dreams. Wilkommen, reality.
This year taught me that I was never invicible. The world doesn't lei at my feet, doesn't wimper, doesn't beg me for forgiveness. I am the dog and it is the master. I will never get everything that I want and would have to cut my appetite in half because I would only get a quarter of what I believe would be enough to satisfy my hunger. It's a depression thought. I will never make anything of myself. I will be an average Joe, destined to live an average life and wake up in the middle of the night with someone in my bed with whom I tired my life in one fateful afternoon and wonder if I made the right choice. I'd have 2.5 kids and two cars per household and I would earn sixy thousand dollars a year and live in a suburban little house with a back yard and semi friendly neighbors. There would be no fireworks. No grand excitement that stifles my breaths. I will live and die in the same rhythm of an average existence and no one....yes, no one would be able to change that. Sad? Perhaps, but at least it's better to face the truth rather than aimlessly wonder in the dark.
Auf Wiedersehen, dreams. Wilkommen, reality.