ooc: This is the funny ass chapter of my story that I wrote with S. Dirty, homophobic, and racist... I love my friends.
Chapter 13
The Konoha Salon Massacre
It just so happened that upon this lovely day Orochimaru was walking down the red light district street, breaking the hearts of many teenage girls, his luscious black hair flowing in the spring wind. He winked at the young women of the Konoha as he lustfully passed his tongue over thin lips.
He was deep in his thoughts when he finally burst out:
“You know, I haven’t been in this story for such a long time and it’s high time I make myself known and fabulous once more.”
And so Orochimaru, also known as Orichomaru the fabulous teacher of the Three Hour Ninja Course Training, decided to head down to the hottest local salon in the red light district – “Sex Me Up”. His red kimono flowed in the wind, while he skipped down the street, at times revealing his well-shaped shaved legs to the passing by villagers. What can we say; he’s a sexy beast.
Upon entering the salon, Orochimaru noticed the presence of two other males. One had silky flowing silver hair and the other had long wavy black tresses. The one with the silver hair was getting his nails done and hair scrubbed.
He smugly looked upon Orochimaru and asked, “Who let this ugly thing in?”
The man with the black hair, who was currently getting his eyebrows plucked, smirked.
“Indeed. I thought this was a place for those of us who were truly fabulous.” He flicked his wrist prompting the silver headed man to pull the loser sign on his forehead.
Orochimaru stood there with a shocked _exprеssion, only to recover quickly and snap his fingers four times while saying, “Oh, no you didn’t, girlfriend!”
The black haired man glared and turned to the silver haired man and asked, “Can you believe that he just called us girlfriend, Sesshie-kun?”
“Like OH MY GOD, Naraku. I KNOW,” replied Sesshomaru rolling his molten amber eyes. “What a lame comeback. So distasteful”
“Like, I KNOW!” Naraku replied while clapping his newly manicured hands gleefully. “He’s perfect! Like, totally perfect!”
Sesshomaru’s head perked and he settled comfortably in the chair. He shooed the stylist away and then glanced at Orochimaru, eyeing him tastefully.
He nodded and asked, “So, would you like to join our club? We are “The Eye Shadow Fanatics Association”.”
Orochimaru was taken aback for a moment.
But, he quickly collected himself and cooly said, “Sorry babe. I’m with “The Transvestite Trio”. The Trio is way better than you guys. We have Jesus on our side. Top that!”
He snapped his fingers in front of Sesshomaru’s face and flicked his perfect hair and walked to his regular chair, waiting to be pampered and groomed.
Not that he needed to be, he was practically perfect in every way.
Sesshomaru and Naraku stared at each other in blatant shock. They had been trying to get Jesus on their side for the longest time, how could they be topped by this strangely attractive older man?
And so, the three men continued with their beatification ritual, also known to be “Sexed Up” in silence.
Meanwhile, a few blocks away in “The Hounds of Hell”, Damien was frantically trying to find his purple eye shadow and black nail polish, along with black eyeliner. The entire bar and office had been turned upside. The dancers had been dismissed, leaving the elder illegal immigrant janitor, the twisted bartender, and the dancing instructor to suffer Damien’s wrath.
Damien shrieked, breaking the shaded windows of the strip bar.
“Bitches! In my office! NOW!”
The elder janitor awoke from his slumber on the bar stool and looked at the two women.
“Pienso que eso serнa usted dos, mis amores.”
Haru whispered to Hatsu, “I heard he’s getting paid more than the both of us combined.”
“Lucky bastard…” Hatsu replied while shaking her fist and shooting the janitor a deadly glare as the man returned to his siesta.
The women were filled with dread as they walked down the long dark hallway to Damien’s office. They entered to find the office in ruins and Damien frantically running around, his arms waving, yelling, “The apocalypse is upon us. First, Dad makes out with Guy-sensei, then mother doesn’t want to destroy his manhood, and now I can’t find my makeup! The END IS COMING!!!”
Haru slapped herself in the forehead and sighed, “How the hell did I get stuck with this job and this crazy emo boss?”
As Damien made another run around the office, he tripped over the sake bottle left behind from one of his emo bashes.
The spawn flew across the room, slamming into the wall sobbing hysterically, “The apocalypse is upon us.”
Haru and Hatsu stared at each other and shook their heads hopelessly. Damien scrambled up, wiping away tears with the back of his hands with a sniffle. He finally acknowledged Haru’s and Hatsu’s presence after the episode of mild concussion passed.
“You two… ” he paused and sniffed, “Go to the salon, “Sex Me Up”, and get me more makeup before the three horseman come and get me.” With that, he passed out, blood creeping out of his mouth slightly.
“Ewww,” Hatsu said while backing away from the red stream that was coming from his mouth.
Haru just sighed and said, “You heard the um, um - would it be right to say he’s a man? Ah, hell! You heard the emo; let’s just go so we can leave here before all hell breaks loose.”
Hatsu nodded and broke into sprint, exiting the ruined office, down the hall, jumping over the sleeping janitor and out the doors screaming, “FREEDOM!”
Haru followed and asked the joyous Hatsu, who was kissing the ground in a Paris Hilton pose.
“Must you do this every time we leave the bar?”
Hatsu nodded vigorously, and followed Haru down the red light district to find the salon of their boss’s request. They walked in the hurried manner, because they could hear the rumbles of earth as it jolted under the supposed coming of the three horsemen, marking the end of all. Finally, the pink visage of the salon caught their eye.
In big, bold, and fabulous letters, “Sex Me Up” invited the residences of Konoha village to take part in the bizarre yet effective beautifying rituals.
“This must be the place,” said Haru in a low tone, looking around.
Hatsu stood, awe struck by the pinkness of everything. Through the glass, the woman could spot figures of the attendants of the salon and its workers.
“Well, there’s no point in standing outside. Let’s go in.” Hatsu answered back, practically hopping to the door, excited at the chance of finally seeing what was inside this mysterious and disturbing place. She grabbed Haru’s hand and dragged the other reluctant woman into “Sex Me Up”.
The heads of all the salon goers turned to look at them, followed by many outrageous cries:
“Women? Who let women in here?”
“Have the feds come to shut this place down?”
“My eyes, they burn, women!”
“Quick hide the eye shadow!”
“Don’t tell my wife that I was here! She thinks I’m naturally hairless!!!”
Hatsu and Haru were dumbstruck as Sesshomaru stood up and eyed the two women.
‘With enough sake and squinting they could pass as men, I guess,” he passively thought.
He walked over to the two women and towered over them. Naraku raised his newly plucked eyebrows and Orochimaru looked up from his shampooing distastefully.
‘This place is going to the dogs,’ he thought with revulsion.
“OH. MY. GOD.” Hatsu said slowly. Her eye began to twitch. “What the fuck is this place?! Is this a gay convention or something?”
Haru elbowed Hatsu, whispering into her ear, “Calm down, Hatsu! We don’t want to be jumped by a bunch of fruitcakes.”
Sesshomaru had heard every word with his demonic hearing and frowned, his perfect eyebrows creasing in anger. He flexed his fingers and glared coldly at the women.
At the same moment, Hatsu was beginning to have a major convulsion due to meltdown of her gay senses.
“Too…much…gayness! Can’t…control it! Must - KILL ALL.”
Haru gasped and stepped away. The dance instructor knew what was coming and turned to leave but found that Naraku blocked her path. She noticed his perfectly plucked eyebrows and the way he flickered his hair.
“Where are you going? The fun is just beginning. We still didn’t get our nails done yet. Join us.”
Meanwhile, Orochimaru sensed the danger that was coming from the way the two women were fuming and their eyes twitching. He quietly snuck out the back door and left without paying.
‘How’s that for cunning?’ he thought smugly.
Back in the salon, Haru and Hatsu were having a major breakdown and couldn’t last much longer. While Sesshomaru towered over Hatsu, Naraku blocked Haru’s path, talking about the new Grey’s Anatomy episode. The women could take it no longer and snapped.
With a cry of “FREEDOM!” from Hatsu, she grabbed her kunai and drove it into Sesshomaru’s heart. Blood spurred out and drenched Hatsu from head to toe. The woman twisted the kunai and pulled it out screaming, “LONG LIVE THE PENIS!!!”
Sesshomaru let out a pained yelp and collapsed to the floor.
While Hatsu exploded her rage, Haru was busy “fixing” Naraku a new one. The dark hanyou collapsed to the floor and held the precious stub that was left of his manhood. Haru let slip a sly grin as she licked her wet hand.
She stared at Hatsu, a devious grin spreading over both their features.
“Now let’s get the rest of these queers.”
Hatsu nodded and walked over a twitching Sesshomaru.
“You just read my mind.”
The Next Day
“Good Morning Sasuke! How did you sleep?”
Sasuke groaned, rubbing the back of his neck, “Why do you have to be so rough, Sakura? Can’t you be gentle for once?”
Sakura grinned and held out the tray with the breakfast that she had prepared for Sasuke. Sasuke took the food eagerly. Sakura sat next to him and began to read the newspaper she had brought from the kitchen.
She listlessly went through the newspaper, glancing over the stock prices, movie releases, and various things. She turned the page and instantly froze. She quickly read the article and gasped.
Sasuke, who was finishing his tea, looked up and asked, “Something wrong, koi?”
Sakura shoved the article under Sasuke’s nose and said, “Sasuke! It’s – Your dance instructor…”
Sasuke reluctantly glanced at the newspaper and stared wide eyed at the title in big bold letters: “TWO FUGITVES SLAUGHTER INNOCENT SALON GOERS IN THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT!” Below was the article and a picture of the two “supposed” fugitives. One was of his dance instructor, arching over a panicking emo boy, protecting himself with a purse. The other woman was the bartender, a kunai in her mouth and was pinning down yet another emo against the wall.
“Wow, I didn’t think Hatsu was that fat before. But this picture really opened my eyes,” Sasuke said vaguely putting down the newspaper.
Sakura sighed. ‘God, he is so good looking!’
God, in heaven, nodded in agreement.
“Uh huh. You got that right!”
Sakura patted Sasuke’s arm and said, “Guess you’re not going into work today!”
“Damn those homophobic bitches!” Sasuke yelled as he watched the pink haired girl search for the handcuffs.